The emptiness continues

To haunt and consume

Every inch of the soul

Almost losing control

Hanging on by the thread

Constantly feeling the dread

Where is the ray of light

Promised at the end of each fight?

Miss Critic is the voice inside my head. She chatters non-stop. What she does for a living is find faults in whatever I do, point out (okay fine, criticize) areas that she thinks needs improvement from my part. She’s really good at just seeping into my daily life and start yakking away. I used “seep” because sometimes I don’t even realize her presence if I don’t pay close attention enough.

Today, I decided to interrupt some of her bullshit talking and confront her instead.

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Me: SERIOUSLY babe, what do you want from me man.

C: Cummon lor, I just want you to be better.

Me: I know your intentions are good. It only makes sense what, since you’re part of me, of course you’d want good things for me cause it’ll always be mutually beneficial. But don’t you think you YAK just a little TOO MUCH?

C: What do you mean by too much lor.

M: You mean you don’t feel my discouragement each time I feel like just MIA-ing and giving up on everything I’m doing?? Because whatever I do just never seems enough for you??

C: Uh huh soooooo……..

M: My point is you gotta give me a break sometimes luh!!!!

C: I’m only doing this for your own good. Without my existence, you wouldn’t be where you are today lor. And you wouldn’t achieve this “much” as well.

M: Yeah TRUE to a certain extent. You know you’re like a double edge sword please. You can bring me up to heaven by propelling me to achieve certain things. But the next moment you can easily drag me right back down to hell just from your criticisms that I didn’t do well ENOUGH!!!

C: Well there are always areas of improvement….. you should know that by now.

M: Uh huh of course, but your criticisms sometimes just…. super depressing to hear. It’s like I’m never good enough.

C: You really “can be improved what”.

M: Yesssss I know I know you tell me that everyday argghhh. But haven’t you heard already. PERFECTION DOESN’T EXIST. I WILL NEVER BE PERFECT THE WAY YOU WANT ME TO BE, NO MATTER HOW MUCH I TRY TO IMPROVE. Stop over-emphasizing that I’m not good enough in your opinion all the time!!!

C: Too bad. It’s just me. Accept it.

M: I know right. It’s really just you. I’ve been reading around about how bloody annoying you can be in other peoples’ heads as well. Do you know that there’re so many articles out there teaching people HOW TO GET RID OF YOU, or HOW TO ELIMINATE YOU FROM THEIR HEADS?

C: Omg are you serious. WHY! Like I said I’m also the reason why you’ve achieved certain things in your life now okay.

M: YES I KNOW. That’s why I’m gonna choose to subscribe to the other mindset.

C: What other mindset?

M: I shall learn how to EMBRACE your annoying chattering in my head and put that to GOOD USE instead.

C: Okay sounds better…..

M: Yeah if I can’t get rid of you might as well learn how to live with you. Meanwhile please cut me some slack at times when your comments bring me down more than they propel me leh.

C: Fineeee I’ll watch what I say.

Me: Yeahhhh in fact I WILL BE WATCHING you more intensely, I don’t want to feel like crap and not do anything for days again without even knowing why I feel that way again lor.

C: Okayyyyy got your point luh now please go to sleep.

Me: Fine! Nights.

C: Yeah better sleep now…… *before your dark eye circles and skin worsen*

Me: What. the. hell.

The mind strategies she learnt to keep herself going came  in useful as they surfaced while the going got tough….

Like how towards the end, she told herself to just jog towards the tree in front of her, which was just a few metres ahead. That wasn’t hard, as compared to thinking jogging god-knows-how-long-more metres ahead.

It was the application of the kaizhen philosophy she learnt. It’s really really really easier said than done. Reading about it was easy, actually consciously applying it takes a whole lot determination and skill.. It’s like a whole different story.

That said, basic fundamental knowledge of such perspectives is still necessary before even being able to consciously apply it. That’s why it’s often said that to do something competently, it takes an overall encompassing interaction of knowledge, skills/expertise and desire together. Without each of them, it’s not possible to maximize the experience into achieving more.

The jog got “tougher” not just due to the physcial wearing down – eg. Ankles and knees started aching a little, got a bit more breathless, thigh muscles still straining from previous night cycling, etc etc – but also because of the inability to see the final destination, and hence the mental uncertainty of the terrain ahead, about when the run will end, when is it best to give her best shot, when to preserve her energy and when to push on more and “show hand”.

Then again, in Life, how often do we get such certainty in its “structure” and “markings” as to where we are and where we stand, like the interval markings she saw during the run reading:

1km
2km
3km
4km
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And then finally, the row of orange toilets at the starting/finishing line, as if waving to her and beckoning her that all will be over soon.

Perhaps this is why the “wiser” people say to us that really, reality will hit one day that Life is really all a big pile of mess. There are no such markings; no such conventional routes; no standardized structure to organize the whole world forever. All of which are just guidelines, bendable rules and structures, that help people temporarily manage the overwhelming pool of information in the external world.

Okay many more mixed thoughts and feelings just from a 5km run but she is super satisfied with herself because she fulfilled her personal objectives!!!!!!! And that is to JUST KEEP JOGGING AND RUNNING no matter how bloody tiring it may be. Had that:

“Just keep swimming just keep swimming”
- Dory’s voice inside of her head.

Plus she also recalled that Confuscius quote she read somewhere before:

“It doesn’t matter how fast or how slowly you go. What matters most is that you don’t stop.”

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So YES!!!!!!! HER FIRST BABY STEP TOWARDS HER GOAL OF COMPLETING A MARATHON ONE DAY!!!! ))))))))))

Time is really precious. It’s ticking away even when we’re not conscious of it. Sometimes when I’m really pessimistic, I would think that time is cruel.

Then again, there are the sunny days. Days when I feel, “Okay, time’s a healer.” Time attempts to help people filter certain memories from the daily conscious living. After all, how we view time, it’s just a perspective at the end of the day.

And now, it’s like I can hear the clock ticking in my head after countless reflection on how I spent my time in the past. It’s not like I’m regretting all of it, you are right, there were many many happy times.

It’s just that, to me now, it’s an important asset. A resource. I know you’d think I sound super technical and all so theoretical again about all these, but I really feel there should be a change in the way I allocate my time into things I do in my life to achieve what I want to do. I don’t want to just go with the flow just because our friends around are doing so, and then expect for things I want in life to just drop from the sky. I don’t think that’s gonna happen if I don’t try to make it happen.

And yes, of course, to spend this limited time with only a few selected people who truly matter to me. You can say that I’m super selfish or self-centered. You can say I’m unable to establish close friendships with many people around. You can say that I’m bloody selective, extremely anal in choosing who I spend my time and hang out with.

But actually after much thinking, I still think I am doing what I feel I should be doing (for now). I still feel we should prioritize our social circle. It’s something like knowing how to say NO when we need to because of other more important things to be done. We can’t possibly say Yes to everything and everyone. To be honest, I think that’s very unrealistic to achieve.

I am not saying you’re wrong either. Cause perhaps you’re right in your own way, that one day I may just look back and realize that I should be doing something else etc etc, I don’t know. And yes you’re right too, by the time the day comes, the people I spend less time with now “may not stay around anymore”.

Then okay, when the day comes, I would know if I am making a bad choice right now.  I’ll forever be learning how to do it better.

I can’t believe how you looked at me
With your James Dean glossy eyes
In your tight jeans with your long hair
And your cigarette stained lies

And I know that it’s complicated
But I’m a loser in love
So baby raise a glass to mend
All the broken hearts
Of all my wrecked up friends

I’ll never talk again
Oh boy you’ve left me speechless
You’ve left me speechless so speechless

I’ll never love again,
Oh friend you’ve left me speechless
You’ve left me speechless, so speechless